Welcome to Mommyhood

Most of my adult life when people would ask me what I wanted to be “when I grew up” I would immediately answer, “a mom”. And to take it one step further, I always thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom. In my mind that was the ideal, the dream life, everything I imagined my perfect life to be. Fast forward to my life with a five month old and I cannot imagine being a stay at home mom. Not to say I do not love my daughter more than life itself, because I do. Sometimes I’ll start crying just thinking about how much I love her – it is overwhelming and all encompassing – my love for my child. But, I’ve learned in my short time as her mother, that I need more than just that title to feel like myself; to feel complete. But I am finding it very challenging to give 100% to every aspect of my life now.

I thought that being a mom would be an easy transition for me. Yes, I expected the first few weeks or months to be a challenge – learning how to nurse, taking care of another human being, and adapting to less sleep – but I didn’t think it would take so much mental, physical, and emotional adjusting on my part. I still don’t think I’ve found my nook, or come to terms with or fully understand and accept my new role. I’m overwhelmed, still, every day. And that’s confusing. I want so badly to be “OK” with everything, really, to be better than just OK. I keep telling myself that now that Charlotte is 5 months old, I should have this mom thing down pat. I. Do. Not.

Do other moms feel this way? All my mom friends make everything seem so easy, so flawless. How do you handle all of the demands? How are you a mom, a wife, a professional, a house maker, (I’m sure the list goes on) and somewhere in there still find time for yourself? Am I being selfish? Am I trying too hard to hold onto my old life and lifestyle? I don’t think so, but maybe I need to let go of the desire to fulfill each aspect at 100%? I want so badly to become this new wonder woman of a mother and get everything done all the time: have a clean house, go grocery shopping and make dinner every night, keep the laundry done and put away, give my pets the attention they deserve, see my friends, be a WIFE to my husband, and now be a mom – take care of another person, nurse her (pumping is hard work during the day – where do the hours go?!) teach her, play with her, get her to sleep longer than 2 hours at a time! Oh, not to mention find time to exercise – and feel good about myself physically…that seems to repeatedly get pushed to the bottom of the list. How do you do it? It's driving me crazy trying to figure out how my mom, and all the others out there, manage to get it all done all the time - with a smile on their face. I’m only five months into this journey and I’m afraid I’ve got an uphill battle ahead of me that I’m not prepared for.