So, it's been a while.
That is an understatement and it applies to so many things in my life, the very least of which is this blog. (But I am coming back for this guy too)
I didn't know that I lost myself.
This weekend we celebrated our little boy's first birthday, which is actually tomorrow. This year has both flown by in the blink of an eye and felt like the longest year of my life! I love my sweet Lucas more than life itself and his sister is the apple of my (and her father's) eye. I could not be luckier, happier, or more proud to be my kids' mother. It is an honor and such a joy every. single. day.
However, I did not realize that for the past three years I have been neglecting myself. I, myself, have been the last thing on my mind and the last thing getting any attention. For quite a while, I don't think I took care of myself at all.
Over the past month or so I've been "waking up" and this weekend it truly hit me. I'm back. For three years and three months (minus a few weeks in July of 2015) I have been either pregnant or nursing - which translates to: my body has not been my own for over three years. Typing those words doesn't quite have the effect that it should. It is also something that is difficult to understand if you haven't had the experience of carrying and caring for a child.
I do not take for granted the gift of motherhood. I understand its weight and its importance. And I thank God every day for it.
But I'm glad to finally be seeing glimpses of myself again.
This revelation did not come easy. Since around the time of Charlotte's second birthday I knew that I needed to get some help for what I assumed was post partum anxiety & depression. However, the process took much longer than it should have because it is not one that is talked about often and therefore I didn't really know where to start and I got tossed around a little bit from doctor to doctor. Long story short I was able to speak with someone, a psychologist, once, and I thought it truly was helpful. However, it turns out she wasn't the right person for me and I have since found help via medication and things seem to be going very well right now!! However, this - my mental well being, like all things in life, is a process. It is ever changing and I don't expect my current "solution" to be my forever solution.
Lucas' first birthday party was a raging success. I have heard nothing but praise from friends and family since Saturday evening. Ever since then I kept asking myself, what's so different about this party than the past two birthday parties we've had?? Well - there are a few things:
1. It was a BEAUTIFUL day and we were able to host the party mostly outside vs. the disaster that was Charlotte's first birthday party when it was torrentially down pouring and we had to squeeze thirty people plus about 15 toddlers into a 2,000 square foot house. Pretty sure everyone left with a migraine that day.
2. Adam (with his Mom's help) took both kids out of the house the morning of for about 3 hours which gave me time to clean, prep, and prepare by myself (is my husband not AMAZING?)
3. Zoloft. (which deserves and will get a post all of it's own) My usual anxieties were quieted and I was able to relax and enjoy all of our guests instead of micromanage and worry that things weren't going the way they were supposed to (which they were of course)
4. I am not pregnant or nursing full time. My body is my own. Again, I say this and it may not be the biggest deal to some people but to me it is the biggest deal of them all. It is an amazing relief and freedom that is indescribable and invaluable.
As Adam and I were chatting last night about all of these things, he just smiled and said yes, the real Jessie is coming back. At first I was a little offended because, what do you mean? I've been me this whole time! I've never not been the real me, just a different me! That somewhat true, but really, he's right. The real me is coming back. And it's pretty exciting.
If you read this whole thing, sorry for all the rambling and random thoughts. We'll be back to regularly scheduled programming (if that actually exists here??) soon.
Thanks for reading.
xoxo
Jessie
