Goals and Lists and Plans, Oh My!

Goals and Lists and Plans, Oh My!

Reading:
FOR FUN!

Work:
ARM Designation

Kids:
ROUTINE
Less screen time more reading
POTTY TRAINING

Me:
Self Care
Running
Half Marathon

Rambling commences now:

I have been making lists for as long as I can remember. I'm a visual person and so writing everything down and being able to see all of the tasks I have to do in one spot is extremely helpful and calming to me. Even if there are literally millions of things on my list, it feels better to have a nice neat list of those million items. Problem is, lately, I've just been making lists and then not following through. Writing down my running plan three months in advance doesn't magically make me able to run 13.1 miles just because I wrote down the plan...I have to actually do what I write down in order to reap the benefits. I'm trying to take a step back from all of the planning - because I think I've become more obsessed with the planning aspect of things instead of the actual doing them. I've been craving order amongst the chaos and while it helps to be organized, it doesn't fix or truly accomplish anything.

Over the past month or so I've tried to actively take a step back and DO more than plan or think. Turns out, that is hard to do when your brain is so used to running nonstop at every moment. It takes work to be mentally "still" for me. But it's been worth it. I'm learning to be more present with my kids: and I don't mean simply putting down the phone, because I have been a big proponent of that since Charlotte was born - though I am not perfect and sometimes I stare at that darn Home Design App a bit too much... nonetheless it's putting down the lists in my head too and being with them and enjoying all the small things. Remembering how fast time moves and trying to capture in my mind and memorize their tiny little faces, their sweet voices, their pudgy, little baby fingers and toes in this moment. And also, to actually do things with them. I've gotten so complacent in thinking that because the week is so busy that during the week it's ok to just come home, watch tv, eat dinner, and go to bed. Granted, sometimes that is really all that we can seem to accomplish, some nights are harder than others. But as Luke gets older and more flexible we really are able to do other things during the week. Even if it's just going outside to play, or to a park, or for a walk. So I've been trying to do that too. It's a challenge for sure most nights.

Last night I read a book, for fun!, before bed. I had only planned on reading for thirty minutes or so, actively attempting to read more instead of staring at a screen whether it be my phone or the television. I ended up reading for two hours. My eyes have been hurting a lot lately; I think from all of the screen staring, work all day long staring a computer, then scrolling through my phone at night with no true purpose or benefit; it's also been giving me some slight headaches. But, I read a book with very small print and some smudges (its an old, hand me down book) for two hours in the dim light from my nightstand and my eyes didn't bother me once. Here's your sign...

My Work designation has been in the works since 2016. Why I thought I could obtain a designation like this one while I had a newborn I do not know, but thats why it got pushed back to this year. Then my proclivities for list making and study planning but not truly following through (depression/anxiety  keeping me super lazy and afraid to do things??) have delayed it again. I've passed the first of three tests to obtain the ARM designation, with the second test coming up at the end of December and then finally finishing up in the spring. Not sure why I wrote this or who is reading but there you go.

Lists are helpful, and calming. But I'm working on following through with my plans more. xoxo

Welcome Back, Mama!

So, it's been a while.

That is an understatement and it applies to so many things in my life, the very least of which is this blog. (But I am coming back for this guy too)

I didn't know that I lost myself.

This weekend we celebrated our little boy's first birthday, which is actually tomorrow. This year has both flown by in the blink of an eye and felt like the longest year of my life! I love my sweet Lucas more than life itself and his sister is the apple of my (and her father's) eye. I could not be luckier, happier, or more proud to be my kids' mother. It is an honor and such a joy every. single. day.

However, I did not realize that for the past three years I have been neglecting myself. I, myself, have been the last thing on my mind and the last thing getting any attention. For quite a while, I don't think I took care of myself at all.

Over the past month or so I've been "waking up" and this weekend it truly hit me. I'm back. For three years and three months (minus a few weeks in July of 2015) I have been either pregnant or nursing - which translates to: my body has not been my own for over three years. Typing those words doesn't quite have the effect that it should. It is also something that is difficult to understand if you haven't had the experience of carrying and caring for a child.

I do not take for granted the gift of motherhood. I understand its weight and its importance. And I thank God every day for it.

But I'm glad to finally be seeing glimpses of myself again.

This revelation did not come easy. Since around the time of Charlotte's second birthday I knew that I needed to get some help for what I assumed was post partum anxiety & depression. However, the process took much longer than it should have because it is not one that is talked about often and therefore I didn't really know where to start and I got tossed around a little bit from doctor to doctor. Long story short I was able to speak with someone, a psychologist, once, and I thought it truly was helpful. However, it turns out she wasn't the right person for me and I have since found help via medication and things seem to be going very well right now!! However, this - my mental well being, like all things in life, is a process. It is ever changing and I don't expect my current "solution" to be my forever solution.

Lucas' first birthday party was a raging success. I have heard nothing but praise from friends and family since Saturday evening. Ever since then I kept asking myself, what's so different about this party than the past two birthday parties we've had?? Well - there are a few things:

1. It was a BEAUTIFUL day and we were able to host the party mostly outside vs. the disaster that was Charlotte's first birthday party when it was torrentially down pouring and we had to squeeze thirty people plus about 15 toddlers into a 2,000 square foot house. Pretty sure everyone left with a migraine that day.
2. Adam (with his Mom's help) took both kids out of the house the morning of for about 3 hours which gave me time to clean, prep, and prepare by myself (is my husband not AMAZING?)
3. Zoloft. (which deserves and will get a post all of it's own) My usual anxieties were quieted and I was able to relax and enjoy all of our guests instead of micromanage and worry that things weren't going the way they were supposed to (which they were of course)
4. I am not pregnant or nursing full time. My body is my own. Again, I say this and it may not be the biggest deal to some people but to me it is the biggest deal of them all. It is an amazing relief and freedom that is indescribable and invaluable.

As Adam and I were chatting last night about all of these things, he just smiled and said yes, the real Jessie is coming back. At first I was a little offended because, what do you mean? I've been me this whole time! I've never not been the real me, just a different me! That somewhat true, but really, he's right. The real me is coming back. And it's pretty exciting.

If you read this whole thing, sorry for all the rambling and random thoughts. We'll be back to regularly scheduled programming (if that actually exists here??) soon.

Thanks for reading.

xoxo
Jessie